Sunday, October 31, 2004

im holding onto a dream that will never come true JuMpErChIcK2010: rileys with lauren......sweet x3 relief: koolJuMpErChIcK2010: ehhJuMpErChIcK2010: i dont like her too much nowsweet x3 relief: why notsweet x3 relief: i love laurenJuMpErChIcK2010: i dontsweet x3 relief: why notJuMpErChIcK2010: iono the 1st time she like u need to no him blah blah blahsweet x3 relief: you do really thoughJuMpErChIcK2010: n i just wuz like jackie let it goJuMpErChIcK2010: n now she just needs to quit cuz its annoying meJuMpErChIcK2010: n u do tosweet x3 relief: whatJuMpErChIcK2010: let me deal with my problemssweet x3 relief: she just cares about you jackieJuMpErChIcK2010: wellJuMpErChIcK2010: like i saidJuMpErChIcK2010: they r my problemssweet x3 relief: well riley tells her about them and she cares so she's going to talk to you about itJuMpErChIcK2010: well she needs to stopsweet x3 relief: well tell her that not meJuMpErChIcK2010: cuz they are my problemsJuMpErChIcK2010: well ur doing it toosweet x3 relief: well i'll freakin stop then.. don't tell me about it if you don't want me to say anythingJuMpErChIcK2010: im telling u cuz ur doing it toosweet x3 relief: then don't tell me your problems and i won't do itJuMpErChIcK2010: i dontsweet x3 relief: okay thenJuMpErChIcK2010: i just wont tell u ne thing ne more hows thatsweet x3 relief: sounds goodsweet x3 relief: if it bothers you that much that i try to helpJuMpErChIcK2010: how bout i just wont talk to u ne moresweet x3 relief: jackie what is your problemsweet x3 relief: what did i do to youJuMpErChIcK2010: i wont even intrude in ur church since u no every 1 so wellsweet x3 relief: what the heck?JuMpErChIcK2010: ?sweet x3 relief: what are you talking aboutJuMpErChIcK2010: usweet x3 relief: what about meJuMpErChIcK2010: u think u no every 1 so well at churchsweet x3 relief: i do notJuMpErChIcK2010: like chelsea n brooke n annasweet x3 relief: i hardly know any of themJuMpErChIcK2010: n all themJuMpErChIcK2010: n alisweet x3 relief: howsweet x3 relief: what do i doJuMpErChIcK2010: n tracesweet x3 relief: what do i do, id like to knowJuMpErChIcK2010: ur just always all over tracesweet x3 relief: you always say that and i don't even like himJuMpErChIcK2010: always like oo i like them they r like o yeah shes koolJuMpErChIcK2010: n u dont even no them at allsweet x3 relief: i know i don't know them and i don't claim to know themsweet x3 relief: but i've known lauren for a while now and we talk alot, so i do know herJuMpErChIcK2010: yeaJuMpErChIcK2010: u no her , n thats bout itsweet x3 relief: yeah i don't claim to know brooke and anna and chelsea and trace and alisweet x3 relief: i know i don'tsweet x3 relief: stop putting words in my mouthsweet x3 relief: you act like you know aaron and mitchell and you don't and i don't get all mad at your for thatJuMpErChIcK2010: i dont act like i no themJuMpErChIcK2010: i went out with mitchellsweet x3 relief: you do act like you know mitchell, and aaron talks about you behind your back all the time sorry and he says your ugly as hell and you look like a man and i've gone out w/ mitchell tooJuMpErChIcK2010: n aaron always flirts with me so im getting to no him better but i no i dont no them that wellsweet x3 relief: aaron doesn't like youJuMpErChIcK2010: u no wut bitvhJuMpErChIcK2010: bitch*sweet x3 relief: ask anyonesweet x3 relief: i'm serioussweet x3 relief: i'm not just saying it bc i think you're pretty and you know thatJuMpErChIcK2010: u need to shut the fucking hell upsweet x3 relief: okay i won't tell you what he saysJuMpErChIcK2010: ooo c if u ever talk to me againJuMpErChIcK2010: ur a fucking ugly ass hoesweet x3 relief: you always seem to think that about everyoneJuMpErChIcK2010: alexa has toled me every thing that uv done wit guyssweet x3 relief: i've kissed guyssweet x3 relief: thats allJuMpErChIcK2010: u n ur pimple covered faceJuMpErChIcK2010: yeaJuMpErChIcK2010: uh huh JuMpErChIcK2010: iono if i can belive u ne moresweet x3 relief: what have i lied about to youJuMpErChIcK2010: iono if i can belive wut u say bout aaronsweet x3 relief: ask anyoneJuMpErChIcK2010: i dont want tosweet x3 relief: okayJuMpErChIcK2010: trace toled me all this shit bout u when u liked him but im a good friend n not rude unlike u n i dident want 2 make u feel bad so i dident tell u JuMpErChIcK2010: cuz i new u liked himsweet x3 relief: i'm sureJuMpErChIcK2010: n i toled u i kinda liked aaron the other daysweet x3 relief: aaron's always flirted with everyoneJuMpErChIcK2010: dont even start that shit jessysweet x3 relief: aaron's a playersweet x3 relief: i'll call him right now and ask him if he's a player and he'll be like hell yeahJuMpErChIcK2010: i dont give a fucking shit jessysweet x3 relief: why are you believing alexa over me? i've been there for you when you were crying or upset, you've told me things and i haven't told anyone.. so why're you all of a sudden best friends w/ alexaJuMpErChIcK2010: 1 her story is sooo much more beliveibleJuMpErChIcK2010: 2sweet x3 relief: what is her storyJuMpErChIcK2010: ur telling me all this shit so y would i want to belive u sweet x3 relief: what am i telling you besides the truth?JuMpErChIcK2010: i dont want to talk to u JuMpErChIcK2010: at allsweet x3 relief: then don'tJuMpErChIcK2010: bye bitchsweet x3 relief: byeJuMpErChIcK2010: dont talk to me at church or v ballsweet x3 relief: i won'tJuMpErChIcK2010: or over AIMsweet x3 relief: why are you still talkingJuMpErChIcK2010: shut the fuck up hoesweet x3 relief: your the one thats still talking

that pissed me off.. needless to say

[[ d 0 o d l e b 0 a r d` ]]

heart; br0ken_______________________
Jessy || 7:03 PM

Saturday, October 30, 2004

for once i wish i could look in the mirror and be proud of what i see proud of what i turned out to be proud to be me not much today.. last night went to the clear brook vs. lake game w/ april.. we left at half time though it wasboring.. next friday we're going to the game at south, should be interesting..

so today i woke up n cleaned n cleaned n cleaned and then i took a shower bc i felt gross from all that cleaning.. and i'm not even done yet, i've made a dent in my room.. yeah and tomorrow's my homework day, i'm not looking forward to that.. it's gonna be boring.. as heck.. RW letter and science project.. and i have volleyball practice tomorrow.. ohh fun lol

at the football game i saw lauren r. from church, despite what everyone else says, i like her.. i think she's cool.. and i think i'm begining to believe that she didn't TP our cabin.. but that doesn't bother me anymore.. :)

i think im gonna confront some people about some things they've done to bother me in the past month.. since they're obviously not going to apologize for it i'm gonna make them :)

[[ d 0 o d l e b 0 a r d` ]]

heart; br0ken_______________________
Jessy || 1:44 PM

Thursday, October 28, 2004

i love you was all she heard..* Every scar you have tells a story. The times you fell off your bike, the time you scraped your arm while climbing that tree, or the time he broke your heart.

As the calmness fades away and the storm clouds roll in I sit here all alone, confused by my sins. Blood drying on my hands. It’s really nothing new. The betrayal that i felt because I loved you.


I always thought it was dumb for him to pick me in the first place. I’m not special. I never was, never will be. He just made me believe I was and broke my heart when he finally realized I wasn’t

I walk around the school hallways and look at the people. I look at the teacher and wonder why they're here. If they like their jobs. Or us. And I wonder how smart they were when they were 15. Not in a mean way. In a curious way. It's like looking at all the students and wondering who had their heart broken that day, and how they are able to cope with having three quizzes and a book report on top of that. Or wondering who did the heartbreaking. And wondering why. Especially since I know that if they went to another school, the person who had their heart broken would have had their heart broken by somebody else, so why does it have to be so personal?


I’m just wondering. Does it hurt you to know that every time I see you I feel like crying, that when I see your face something inside of me dies just a little bit more, or when I see you frown I want more than anything to kiss your pain away?

well, the tears are starting to slow down now.. but the pain, however, remains constant.

I just wanna kiss him and tell him that through all this I ended up doing the one thing I told myself not to. I fell. Hard. and now I’ve crashed.

What do you live for when all you were living for is gone?

[[ d 0 o d l e b 0 a r d` ]]

heart; br0ken_______________________
Jessy || 6:48 PM

Monday, October 25, 2004

i guess im a fool for thinking you were thinking of me saturday night as weird.. i was just about to sign off when, of all people, michael signed on.. i IMed him and was like how are you? we haven't talked in like 2 or more months and we just talked about how we we're and stuff.. it was weird.. n then trace signed on and we talked and he said he was gonna miss me since i wasnt gonna be at impact sunday :) but it was crazy bc i was just about to sign off when they signed on.. lol then sunday i went to tbs.. it was effin crazzy i loved it.. these people on tv are making xilophones.. i want a xilophone man lol jk i'm so freakin bored i didn't go to school today bc i didn't feel good and i was freakin tired.. but i jsut gotta outta the shower so i g2g dry my hair.. i'll write more later probably

[[ d 0 o d l e b 0 a r d` ]]

heart; br0ken_______________________
Jessy || 2:42 PM

Thursday, October 21, 2004

don't try to fix me i'm not broken allalala not much today.. stayed after w/ katy n cyndi for the volleyball game.. it was fun

i want a lover i don't have to love; i want a
boy who is so drunk that he doesn`t talk*..
i need some meaning i can memorize. ` the
kind i always have seems to slip my mind'
but you, but you ..you write such pretty *'`
words, but life is no storybook. love's an
excuse to get hurt. and to hurt... *'` do you
like to hurt? i do, i do. then hurt me. * x/333


i am looking in a mirror. but all i can see is
me trying to be what i want to be`instead
of wut i really am ' i wouldnt have to fake
my smiles.`i wouldnt have to feel my pain
[[ _ i wouldnt have to avoid the mirror _ ]]
x3_ '''''''''' i wouldnt have to hate who i am



lies can be laced with fake promises
and someone who thinks they love yu


a promise is worth a thousand words. until that
day comes when u and i can keep one special
promise, there will be a thousand tEaRs shed. i
know because i'll be the one lettin go_-i'll be the
one walking away from love, and i`ll be the one
shuttin u out. but i'll wake up,&find wut i want;d
all along has left. then ull be the 1* whos happy
[(( and i'll smiLe )))]] ..x33.. ] for what it;s worth


i won't talk, i won't breathe. i won't
move til you finally -s e e- that you
belong with me. you might think ; i
don' t look ; // but deep inside the
corner of my mind i'm attached to
you. x'3333 i`m weak ` it`s true.


sometimes / / the things you complain
most about ___ are [ the things ] you
care most about .... unfortunately you
don't always know that b4 it's too late



dead &broken, and i'm BACKWARDS turned to
love / / / / my heart in a box; i'd send to you for
a sky held up by stars. . . . it's been a long time
since i felt the rain upon my head, your varying
[[ degrees of grayness ]] tugging the deepest
of heartstrings. «-- x3 FurtherSeemsForeve



this is for the words you'll never find * i want
to tell you everything.... all the songs i never get
to sing to you, i had a million chances to tell you
everything.. so is it smart to be avoiding you like
this? `cause i don't want to fall in love again ..


u hug him goodbye like it's nothing, while all you want to do is hold
on forever, but u let go, smile *nd walk away. then cry all the way
home because you kno it will never be the same`because try as u
might, you can`t make someone love you. sometimes, u have to let
them free and let go, that is when --- -- - -» love hurts M0ST of al

[[ d 0 o d l e b 0 a r d` ]]

heart; br0ken_______________________
Jessy || 6:38 PM

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

it's hard to see the pain behind the mask today was okay i guess.. nothing really happened cept there's a cute guy in my study hall.. heh and i have plans for all of this weekend.. tomorrow ((thursday)) im stayin after school to go to the volleyball game then friday after i get home i'm gonna go pick up jackie d n we're going to the brook homecoming game and then i'm spending the night at jackies and then we're gonna go get our hair n makeup done bc she's weird like that n likes to do that stuff then we're going to the movies w/ hopefully riley and trace and some others people.. yes sounds fun.. then her mommy will take me home and i'll get ready to go to AUSTIN for TAKING BACK SUNDAY BITCH! can't wait though i think imma be on my period.. it's okay though.. blah oh well it'll still rock.. my dad said he won't follow us around YES!! so awesome man

nothing really.. hmm can't wait for this weekend though

[[ d 0 o d l e b 0 a r d` ]]

heart; br0ken_______________________
Jessy || 7:17 PM

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

love is like a role that we play soo monday was my first day at brookside.. its awesome.. yeah i sat w/ april n jill at lunch but then today one of the teachers noticed s o i hadda go sit at my table.. which now sux ass.. but ohh well katy's only a few seats down

i've been kinda... ionno, weird lately.. i'm getting back to my old depressed self, and i've been thinking cutting alot for some reason.. *i haven't though..* imma figure out how many days i've gone w/out cutting, lemme see exactly a month today.. awesome.. that's really good for me if you know what i mean, lol

i like trace, but i know it isn't gonna work.. but me n jackie n her bf are goin to the movies saturday *probably* and imma feel weird w/ them two so imma ask trace to go.. he's supposed to see brittnay though but he can go w/ her friday.. argh love *i don't love trace though* sux.. boys suck.. AHHH!!!

there's a hott guy in my band class, he's in my science class to i think.. he gave me a highfive go me!! and me and brittnay found out a new word-- bislor-- it's a bitch/slut/whore.. her ex called her that lol it was funny.. and there's a hott guy in my study hall too, he sits at my table *YeAhhh!*


i'm sitting here.. doing absolutely nothing.. at all.. listening to dashboard confessional but that's about it.. this is my ExCiTiNg liFe!! ohh yess...


taking back sunday next sundayyy CANT WAIT ITS GONNA ROCK MY SOCKS OFF lol

[[ d 0 o d l e b 0 a r d` ]]

heart; br0ken_______________________
Jessy || 3:57 PM

Sunday, October 17, 2004

"cutters don't want to kill themselves, it helps them to not kill themselves"


i found that.. and i really like it


the addiction of self harm the point of no control, lyring hurting you can't take anymore although you try to cover up although you try to hide there is no turning back all those unforgotten lies trying to cut to hide the pain is something i can't explain there is no other way that i know how to deal and there is no other way that i can feel so real


do you ever get that funny feeling that itch right below your skin that itch down by your wrists that only a razorblade will scratch

i think about it over and over again
i can't keep imagining you with her
and it hurts so bad..



do you ever wanna run away
do you lock yourself in your room
with the radio turned up so loud
that no one hears you screaming
to be hurt to feel lost
to be left out in the dark
to be kicked when your down
to feel like youve been pushed around
to be on the edge of breaking down
when no ones there to save you
no you dont know what its like
welcome to my life


just a friend
thats all i've ever been to you
just a girl who wants to be the center of your world
but i don't have much to offer but my heart and soul
and i guess thats not enough for you to notice me
im just your girl
and i guess thats all ill ever be to you
i try to smile when i see other girls with you
acting like everything is okay
you don't know how it feels to be so in love
with someone who doesn't even know


You never really know who your true friends are until tears are rolling down your cheeks...the true friends are the ones who are there to wipe the tears and hold your hand while everyone else just stands around wondering what happened.

true strength is holding it all together when everyone is expecting you to fall apart

everything i'm dying to tell you is everything i wish you'd say

its amazing how you feel about him.. whenever you're around him nothing else matters how your heart stops and your left breathless and no matter how many times he breaks your heart he always seems to put the pieces back together


why is it that no matter how much pain the heart endures by holding on, it still refuses to let go?


in your life you will meet people. some you'll never think about again some you wonder what happened to them some you wonder if they think about you and then there are those you wish you never had to think about... but you do

its hard to trust anyone
when almost everyone
lets you down

[[ d 0 o d l e b 0 a r d` ]]

heart; br0ken_______________________
Jessy || 4:30 PM

I wish I was dead, I don't feel nething anymore and you wanna know the best part..I don't even care. -Amy Abbot- Blessed Suicide Lying in the bathtub, cutting every vain. watching the bath fill with blood, and drowning here in pain. its about an inch deep, and ive got so much more to go. wondering if i should turn water on high and watch it overflow. i remember my father, i saw him last when i was eleven. i think its my time to see him again and be with him in heaven. but when i get to the gates, n look down n wish me well. I will spend eternity burning in the pits of hell im hardly here and regret what i have done, wish i thought twice beofore i had the blade and begun im lying here in my watery blood, no one to hear my cries, I look up and see Gods face with my very eyes. I hold his hand and talk as i repeant and we begin to walk. so now there is nothing else to hide this is what u truly call a blessed suicide---

[[ d 0 o d l e b 0 a r d` ]]

heart; br0ken_______________________
Jessy || 4:28 PM

pick me up now i need you so bad.. well this weekend was funn.. cho yeh!! lol so lets see..



friday i went to brookside and met w/ some people and they showed me around, i have lunch w/ april! yayy.. lol n then i went back to south for my last day..



then i went w/ jackie d to her house til like 5 then we went to the church!! and then her me chelsea n trace got in jackie's mom's car and we left.. me n trace were sitting in the backseat and chelsea n jackie were in the two bucket seats.. trace was laying on me.. it was weird and we were holding hands under his pillow.. yeah n then we stopped at taco bell or mcdonalds or whataburger but me n jackie weren't hugry so we walked around and got mcdonalds balls!! ((from the playground.. we found them on the floor)) yeah and then we got there and stuff blah blah blah it was fun.. so skip to saturday night.. we had like an hour and a half of free time and it was like 9 o'clock to 10:30 and it was pitch black outside in the middle of the woods.. yeah.. so me jackie n trace were walking around bc he had a flashlight and he had his arm around me and yeah then we walked to this field ((the lease?)) and we were laying there and we were looking at the stars bc they were prettyful and jackie was like this is boring and trace went then leave and she goes you'd like that wouldn't you? it was funny.. i was just laying there.. soo then me n trace went away from jackie bc i hadda ask him something.. i asked him if he liked me and he just stood there and held me and was like does that answer it and i was like yeahh.. but then jackie got mad but we worked it out and a lot of crap happened that i don't wanna talk about.. soo then skip to later that night.. at like 1 in the morning.. well last year the girls sewed the guy's boxers flys closed so the guys wanted to get back at them this year so katrina and richard were planning to attack us w/ water balloons and silly string and toilet paper.. but then katrina and richard told us what they were gonna do.. so we got a bunch of water ballons and stuff and hid outside by our cabin so when the boys came we were there.. it was funny.. we got them good.. but then some of the 8th grade girls toilet papered our cabin but we thought it was the guys so during breakfast chelsea anna and brooke toilet papered the guys cabin but then me n jackie found out it was the girls who did it so me her patrick and logan went and toilet papered the 8th grade girls cabin and then katrina made us all clean it up.. it was gross and we had no toilet paper.. but then we got some soo then we walked to the meeting place and blah blah FAST FORWARD to the car ride home... well ya see trace was gonna ride back w/ natalie but then we had to ride home w/ the people we came with so he had to ride w/ us so we were in the back seat again and for like the first half hour we just all sat there, well jackie n chelsea were asleep and i was leaning against the window and trace was looking at me ((we weren't talking bc of the crap that happened the night before..)) but then he started laying on me again and stuff so i made him move bc i wanted to lay down so i was laying on his lap and he kept kissing my cheek and stuff and i was like shaking bc it was FREEZING and then he kissed me ((on the lips)) and then i pulled away and started crying in my pillow bc i don't want what happened last time to happen again.. so yeahh.. and then when we got back it was raining and it was freezing and Ali came up to me and gave me a hug and i was like argh your all wet but then i came home and ate bc i was anorexic this weekend bc the food was gross and then yeahh.. now i'm just sitting here watching the astros game.. funn right??

[[ d 0 o d l e b 0 a r d` ]]

heart; br0ken_______________________
Jessy || 3:52 PM

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

what happened to f o r e v e r? soo i forgot about this.. cough alex lol but the only two people that read this is alex and shell so it's okay even though i bug both of them about updating theres ahh it's a gift lol soo not much has happened.. michael m bryan and brendan all said they're gonna miss me since i'm leaving! haha jackie h. is telling jackie d that i talk crap about her which is bull *effin* crap Cho yeh is this weekend and i just found out that we can't wear 2 pieces.. so there goes that so i'm just gonna wear old clothes.. no white shirts! haha i'm gonna have to wear spandex under my shorts.. that should be fun lol and since the 2 people that read this should know why i don't have to tell it bc wrong people could get ahold of this and then i'd get in some more crap...

i'm so bored and i got shampoo today and the bottle is green.. i got it from visible changes and i got my tbs shirt from hot topic.. i finally convinced my mother that if i was gothic ((which it's wrong to label people)) it'd be okay.. she likes hot topic now bc they were playing Bob Marley ((who ever that is? he's dead from stubbing his toe is all i know hey that rhymes))


lalalalal

boys suck

yeahh so i g2g take a shower now

[[ d 0 o d l e b 0 a r d` ]]

heart; br0ken_______________________
Jessy || 7:05 PM

Sunday, October 10, 2004

they gave me some hope that if you loved me before, if you cared about me that much before, then you can do it again soo today.. woke up and got ready and went to the mall w/ my mother and april, saw alex at aeropostale.. i actually tried something on there, the first time in my life, lol but the pants were too big so we didn't get them.. then me and april walked over to wetseal and i got like 3 pairs of pants and a shirt from there then we went to charlotte russe and i didn't get anything there then we went to AE and i tried on a skirt there but it would of been too short for school so then we left and just walked around and stuff.. we got some stuff from victorias secret that smells GREAT haha so then we came home and my aunt bobbi was here so yeahh.. then she left and now i'm sitting here talking to jackie d and alex

BORED

impact later.. fun.. cho yeh is next weekend

[[ d 0 o d l e b 0 a r d` ]]

heart; br0ken_______________________
Jessy || 2:42 PM

Saturday, October 09, 2004

all the pictures you've hung, i will paint myself out You're the first thing I think of.
.Each morning when I rise.
*You're the last thing I think of .
.Each night when I close my eyes.
*You're in each thought I have*
.And every breath I take.
.My feelings are growing stronger .
.With every move I make.
.I want to prove I love you .
.But that's the hardest part.
So, I'm giving all I have to
.To you... I give my heart.

[[ d 0 o d l e b 0 a r d` ]]

heart; br0ken_______________________
Jessy || 2:07 PM

sometimes i swear i have a sign on my back that says break my heart.. just got home a while ago from Brenham.. found out that my ex-best friend and who i thought was still actually my friend think i'm ugly and fat.. and as if my self-confidence isn't already low enough you'd think that they'd be over all this crap now but nope people at south just can't seem to mind their own freakin business... "if you someone gossips to you they gossip about you" i love that quote.. it's so true, the only person i've met that gossips to me but doesn't gossip about me i think is Maddy and she's half way across the freakin country!!

okay so friday's my last day at south.. i'm excited/nervous.. i still haven't told many people.. Christine, Jackie D, Ginny, and Alex are the only people i think that know.. and Mitchell might i can't really remember if i told him or not, and if i did he was high that night ((basically)) so i doubt he'd remember

i'm waiting for April to get home so we can go shopping to get clothes for Brookside bc i'm going on a retreat next weekend so i can't go then.. yeah..

okay well not much else.. i'm just sitting here really bored

[[ d 0 o d l e b 0 a r d` ]]

heart; br0ken_______________________
Jessy || 10:22 AM