Sunday, October 31, 2004

im holding onto a dream that will never come true JuMpErChIcK2010: rileys with lauren......sweet x3 relief: koolJuMpErChIcK2010: ehhJuMpErChIcK2010: i dont like her too much nowsweet x3 relief: why notsweet x3 relief: i love laurenJuMpErChIcK2010: i dontsweet x3 relief: why notJuMpErChIcK2010: iono the 1st time she like u need to no him blah blah blahsweet x3 relief: you do really thoughJuMpErChIcK2010: n i just wuz like jackie let it goJuMpErChIcK2010: n now she just needs to quit cuz its annoying meJuMpErChIcK2010: n u do tosweet x3 relief: whatJuMpErChIcK2010: let me deal with my problemssweet x3 relief: she just cares about you jackieJuMpErChIcK2010: wellJuMpErChIcK2010: like i saidJuMpErChIcK2010: they r my problemssweet x3 relief: well riley tells her about them and she cares so she's going to talk to you about itJuMpErChIcK2010: well she needs to stopsweet x3 relief: well tell her that not meJuMpErChIcK2010: cuz they are my problemsJuMpErChIcK2010: well ur doing it toosweet x3 relief: well i'll freakin stop then.. don't tell me about it if you don't want me to say anythingJuMpErChIcK2010: im telling u cuz ur doing it toosweet x3 relief: then don't tell me your problems and i won't do itJuMpErChIcK2010: i dontsweet x3 relief: okay thenJuMpErChIcK2010: i just wont tell u ne thing ne more hows thatsweet x3 relief: sounds goodsweet x3 relief: if it bothers you that much that i try to helpJuMpErChIcK2010: how bout i just wont talk to u ne moresweet x3 relief: jackie what is your problemsweet x3 relief: what did i do to youJuMpErChIcK2010: i wont even intrude in ur church since u no every 1 so wellsweet x3 relief: what the heck?JuMpErChIcK2010: ?sweet x3 relief: what are you talking aboutJuMpErChIcK2010: usweet x3 relief: what about meJuMpErChIcK2010: u think u no every 1 so well at churchsweet x3 relief: i do notJuMpErChIcK2010: like chelsea n brooke n annasweet x3 relief: i hardly know any of themJuMpErChIcK2010: n all themJuMpErChIcK2010: n alisweet x3 relief: howsweet x3 relief: what do i doJuMpErChIcK2010: n tracesweet x3 relief: what do i do, id like to knowJuMpErChIcK2010: ur just always all over tracesweet x3 relief: you always say that and i don't even like himJuMpErChIcK2010: always like oo i like them they r like o yeah shes koolJuMpErChIcK2010: n u dont even no them at allsweet x3 relief: i know i don't know them and i don't claim to know themsweet x3 relief: but i've known lauren for a while now and we talk alot, so i do know herJuMpErChIcK2010: yeaJuMpErChIcK2010: u no her , n thats bout itsweet x3 relief: yeah i don't claim to know brooke and anna and chelsea and trace and alisweet x3 relief: i know i don'tsweet x3 relief: stop putting words in my mouthsweet x3 relief: you act like you know aaron and mitchell and you don't and i don't get all mad at your for thatJuMpErChIcK2010: i dont act like i no themJuMpErChIcK2010: i went out with mitchellsweet x3 relief: you do act like you know mitchell, and aaron talks about you behind your back all the time sorry and he says your ugly as hell and you look like a man and i've gone out w/ mitchell tooJuMpErChIcK2010: n aaron always flirts with me so im getting to no him better but i no i dont no them that wellsweet x3 relief: aaron doesn't like youJuMpErChIcK2010: u no wut bitvhJuMpErChIcK2010: bitch*sweet x3 relief: ask anyonesweet x3 relief: i'm serioussweet x3 relief: i'm not just saying it bc i think you're pretty and you know thatJuMpErChIcK2010: u need to shut the fucking hell upsweet x3 relief: okay i won't tell you what he saysJuMpErChIcK2010: ooo c if u ever talk to me againJuMpErChIcK2010: ur a fucking ugly ass hoesweet x3 relief: you always seem to think that about everyoneJuMpErChIcK2010: alexa has toled me every thing that uv done wit guyssweet x3 relief: i've kissed guyssweet x3 relief: thats allJuMpErChIcK2010: u n ur pimple covered faceJuMpErChIcK2010: yeaJuMpErChIcK2010: uh huh JuMpErChIcK2010: iono if i can belive u ne moresweet x3 relief: what have i lied about to youJuMpErChIcK2010: iono if i can belive wut u say bout aaronsweet x3 relief: ask anyoneJuMpErChIcK2010: i dont want tosweet x3 relief: okayJuMpErChIcK2010: trace toled me all this shit bout u when u liked him but im a good friend n not rude unlike u n i dident want 2 make u feel bad so i dident tell u JuMpErChIcK2010: cuz i new u liked himsweet x3 relief: i'm sureJuMpErChIcK2010: n i toled u i kinda liked aaron the other daysweet x3 relief: aaron's always flirted with everyoneJuMpErChIcK2010: dont even start that shit jessysweet x3 relief: aaron's a playersweet x3 relief: i'll call him right now and ask him if he's a player and he'll be like hell yeahJuMpErChIcK2010: i dont give a fucking shit jessysweet x3 relief: why are you believing alexa over me? i've been there for you when you were crying or upset, you've told me things and i haven't told anyone.. so why're you all of a sudden best friends w/ alexaJuMpErChIcK2010: 1 her story is sooo much more beliveibleJuMpErChIcK2010: 2sweet x3 relief: what is her storyJuMpErChIcK2010: ur telling me all this shit so y would i want to belive u sweet x3 relief: what am i telling you besides the truth?JuMpErChIcK2010: i dont want to talk to u JuMpErChIcK2010: at allsweet x3 relief: then don'tJuMpErChIcK2010: bye bitchsweet x3 relief: byeJuMpErChIcK2010: dont talk to me at church or v ballsweet x3 relief: i won'tJuMpErChIcK2010: or over AIMsweet x3 relief: why are you still talkingJuMpErChIcK2010: shut the fuck up hoesweet x3 relief: your the one thats still talking

that pissed me off.. needless to say

[[ d 0 o d l e b 0 a r d` ]]

heart; br0ken_______________________
Jessy || 7:03 PM

Saturday, October 30, 2004

for once i wish i could look in the mirror and be proud of what i see proud of what i turned out to be proud to be me not much today.. last night went to the clear brook vs. lake game w/ april.. we left at half time though it wasboring.. next friday we're going to the game at south, should be interesting..

so today i woke up n cleaned n cleaned n cleaned and then i took a shower bc i felt gross from all that cleaning.. and i'm not even done yet, i've made a dent in my room.. yeah and tomorrow's my homework day, i'm not looking forward to that.. it's gonna be boring.. as heck.. RW letter and science project.. and i have volleyball practice tomorrow.. ohh fun lol

at the football game i saw lauren r. from church, despite what everyone else says, i like her.. i think she's cool.. and i think i'm begining to believe that she didn't TP our cabin.. but that doesn't bother me anymore.. :)

i think im gonna confront some people about some things they've done to bother me in the past month.. since they're obviously not going to apologize for it i'm gonna make them :)

[[ d 0 o d l e b 0 a r d` ]]

heart; br0ken_______________________
Jessy || 1:44 PM

Thursday, October 28, 2004

i love you was all she heard..* Every scar you have tells a story. The times you fell off your bike, the time you scraped your arm while climbing that tree, or the time he broke your heart.

As the calmness fades away and the storm clouds roll in I sit here all alone, confused by my sins. Blood drying on my hands. It’s really nothing new. The betrayal that i felt because I loved you.


I always thought it was dumb for him to pick me in the first place. I’m not special. I never was, never will be. He just made me believe I was and broke my heart when he finally realized I wasn’t

I walk around the school hallways and look at the people. I look at the teacher and wonder why they're here. If they like their jobs. Or us. And I wonder how smart they were when they were 15. Not in a mean way. In a curious way. It's like looking at all the students and wondering who had their heart broken that day, and how they are able to cope with having three quizzes and a book report on top of that. Or wondering who did the heartbreaking. And wondering why. Especially since I know that if they went to another school, the person who had their heart broken would have had their heart broken by somebody else, so why does it have to be so personal?


I’m just wondering. Does it hurt you to know that every time I see you I feel like crying, that when I see your face something inside of me dies just a little bit more, or when I see you frown I want more than anything to kiss your pain away?

well, the tears are starting to slow down now.. but the pain, however, remains constant.

I just wanna kiss him and tell him that through all this I ended up doing the one thing I told myself not to. I fell. Hard. and now I’ve crashed.

What do you live for when all you were living for is gone?

[[ d 0 o d l e b 0 a r d` ]]

heart; br0ken_______________________
Jessy || 6:48 PM

Monday, October 25, 2004

i guess im a fool for thinking you were thinking of me saturday night as weird.. i was just about to sign off when, of all people, michael signed on.. i IMed him and was like how are you? we haven't talked in like 2 or more months and we just talked about how we we're and stuff.. it was weird.. n then trace signed on and we talked and he said he was gonna miss me since i wasnt gonna be at impact sunday :) but it was crazy bc i was just about to sign off when they signed on.. lol then sunday i went to tbs.. it was effin crazzy i loved it.. these people on tv are making xilophones.. i want a xilophone man lol jk i'm so freakin bored i didn't go to school today bc i didn't feel good and i was freakin tired.. but i jsut gotta outta the shower so i g2g dry my hair.. i'll write more later probably

[[ d 0 o d l e b 0 a r d` ]]

heart; br0ken_______________________
Jessy || 2:42 PM

Thursday, October 21, 2004

don't try to fix me i'm not broken allalala not much today.. stayed after w/ katy n cyndi for the volleyball game.. it was fun

i want a lover i don't have to love; i want a
boy who is so drunk that he doesn`t talk*..
i need some meaning i can memorize. ` the
kind i always have seems to slip my mind'
but you, but you ..you write such pretty *'`
words, but life is no storybook. love's an
excuse to get hurt. and to hurt... *'` do you
like to hurt? i do, i do. then hurt me. * x/333


i am looking in a mirror. but all i can see is
me trying to be what i want to be`instead
of wut i really am ' i wouldnt have to fake
my smiles.`i wouldnt have to feel my pain
[[ _ i wouldnt have to avoid the mirror _ ]]
x3_ '''''''''' i wouldnt have to hate who i am



lies can be laced with fake promises
and someone who thinks they love yu


a promise is worth a thousand words. until that
day comes when u and i can keep one special
promise, there will be a thousand tEaRs shed. i
know because i'll be the one lettin go_-i'll be the
one walking away from love, and i`ll be the one
shuttin u out. but i'll wake up,&find wut i want;d
all along has left. then ull be the 1* whos happy
[(( and i'll smiLe )))]] ..x33.. ] for what it;s worth


i won't talk, i won't breathe. i won't
move til you finally -s e e- that you
belong with me. you might think ; i
don' t look ; // but deep inside the
corner of my mind i'm attached to
you. x'3333 i`m weak ` it`s true.


sometimes / / the things you complain
most about ___ are [ the things ] you
care most about .... unfortunately you
don't always know that b4 it's too late



dead &broken, and i'm BACKWARDS turned to
love / / / / my heart in a box; i'd send to you for
a sky held up by stars. . . . it's been a long time
since i felt the rain upon my head, your varying
[[ degrees of grayness ]] tugging the deepest
of heartstrings. «-- x3 FurtherSeemsForeve



this is for the words you'll never find * i want
to tell you everything.... all the songs i never get
to sing to you, i had a million chances to tell you
everything.. so is it smart to be avoiding you like
this? `cause i don't want to fall in love again ..


u hug him goodbye like it's nothing, while all you want to do is hold
on forever, but u let go, smile *nd walk away. then cry all the way
home because you kno it will never be the same`because try as u
might, you can`t make someone love you. sometimes, u have to let
them free and let go, that is when --- -- - -» love hurts M0ST of al

[[ d 0 o d l e b 0 a r d` ]]

heart; br0ken_______________________
Jessy || 6:38 PM

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

it's hard to see the pain behind the mask today was okay i guess.. nothing really happened cept there's a cute guy in my study hall.. heh and i have plans for all of this weekend.. tomorrow ((thursday)) im stayin after school to go to the volleyball game then friday after i get home i'm gonna go pick up jackie d n we're going to the brook homecoming game and then i'm spending the night at jackies and then we're gonna go get our hair n makeup done bc she's weird like that n likes to do that stuff then we're going to the movies w/ hopefully riley and trace and some others people.. yes sounds fun.. then her mommy will take me home and i'll get ready to go to AUSTIN for TAKING BACK SUNDAY BITCH! can't wait though i think imma be on my period.. it's okay though.. blah oh well it'll still rock.. my dad said he won't follow us around YES!! so awesome man

nothing really.. hmm can't wait for this weekend though

[[ d 0 o d l e b 0 a r d` ]]

heart; br0ken_______________________
Jessy || 7:17 PM

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

love is like a role that we play soo monday was my first day at brookside.. its awesome.. yeah i sat w/ april n jill at lunch but then today one of the teachers noticed s o i hadda go sit at my table.. which now sux ass.. but ohh well katy's only a few seats down

i've been kinda... ionno, weird lately.. i'm getting back to my old depressed self, and i've been thinking cutting alot for some reason.. *i haven't though..* imma figure out how many days i've gone w/out cutting, lemme see exactly a month today.. awesome.. that's really good for me if you know what i mean, lol

i like trace, but i know it isn't gonna work.. but me n jackie n her bf are goin to the movies saturday *probably* and imma feel weird w/ them two so imma ask trace to go.. he's supposed to see brittnay though but he can go w/ her friday.. argh love *i don't love trace though* sux.. boys suck.. AHHH!!!

there's a hott guy in my band class, he's in my science class to i think.. he gave me a highfive go me!! and me and brittnay found out a new word-- bislor-- it's a bitch/slut/whore.. her ex called her that lol it was funny.. and there's a hott guy in my study hall too, he sits at my table *YeAhhh!*


i'm sitting here.. doing absolutely nothing.. at all.. listening to dashboard confessional but that's about it.. this is my ExCiTiNg liFe!! ohh yess...


taking back sunday next sundayyy CANT WAIT ITS GONNA ROCK MY SOCKS OFF lol

[[ d 0 o d l e b 0 a r d` ]]

heart; br0ken_______________________
Jessy || 3:57 PM